Hello my field daisies!
So I used to keep a journal, a daily reflection of my feelings and thoughts about the world around me. It’s been about a year since I’ve stopped, and I regret it tremendously. I use “being busy” as an excuse, but it’s a terrible one. I think everyone should keep a journal. This past year feels like a blur because I didn’t write anything down. However my memories from Dec 2012-June 2014 ring clearly in my head. I think I am going to start writing in my journal again because I want to be able to look at my memories with a sense of clarity.
Oftentimes I am plagued with self doubt. I am sure, or well at least hope, that many of you are the same way. Here is an excerpt from my journal that helped me during a tough time, a time where all I could think was that everyone in the world hated me and that I was worth nothing. Hopefully it can help some of you as well.
*The text below isn’t exactly what I wrote that day. It’s been edited to be more coherent and less cheesy. But it’s still pretty messy and cliche, so bear with me. It is also really personal, so just know it’s taking a lot for me to share this right now.*
I am not an idiot.
Sometimes it is nice just to type it out.
I am going to Berkeley. I worked my ass to get there.
I am smart.
I need to get these hating demons out of my mind:
I am messed up.
I am a slut.
I am bad at public speaking.
I am a fake phoney.
I am ugly.
I am stupid.
I am too forgiving.
Italic font is very wistful. And charming. And sweet.
Please, for the love of God Almighty, let me turn a new leaf and start over.
Let me start respecting my being, my life.
I am in a strange place right now. I can’t help it. So here it goes:
Daisy darling, please stop hating yourself. That Daisy is in the past. Embrace yourself my love. You can. You know you can. You just need to start realizing it. You need to love yourself, respect yourself. Do not give yourself no respect. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are ambitious. You are real. You are realistic. You are logical. You are so focused. You are so enthusiastic. You need to stop taking everyone’s words so seriously, and YOU NEED TO START LISTENING TO YOUR OWN DRUMBEAT.
I am trying to lead myself back to solid ground.
I want to be confident. Display that swagger and attitude that I have when I model.
That powerful, strong stare. That strutting stance.
I can do this.
I just have to believe in myself.
In the process of my self loathing,
I’ve resurfaced my love for all things poetic.
And it is such an intense, happy emotion.
A fist and a smile. Fierce.
Today. I am starting over.
Today. I realize just how beautifully brilliant I am.
I have been given a blessed deck of cards,
and it is about time that I realized it.
Love ya’ll and thanks for reading!
Hope you have a daisyish day!